she was a bandit

the year was 1990. and the culprit was my dog, Bandit. she was just a mutt from the pound, adopted shortly after Gypsy passed. lhasa apso mix, shaggy lil' 'sheeyat', she melted my heart after the loss of my childhood toilet-training partner (post for another time). my mom led Bandit & i home, that gloomy summer day, after i fled the shelter in tears, wanting to adopt them all.

but Bandit-girl, she was the lucky one. the partner-in-crime through my high school years, which were surprisingly tame in the way of booze & the like, but yet eye-opening in terms of sexual experimentation with my long-term beau. though at first eagerly ferocious but eventually timid, i said bye-bye to the flower of my innocence without a second glance & hee-hawed it all the way home.

okay, so Henry (dorky name for my soccer heartthrob, but definitely regaining popularity these days) was a great first boyfriend. really the best. of course later i found out he got a blow-job from my best friend after i left a party early, but hey, that's young love for ya. so anyway, we loved each other & loved each other whenever we could find a moment alone (& even sometimes when we couldn't - aka laundry room, his house, no door, parents upstairs). 1994, the year before i left for college (also the year my parents had overlapping shifts at the hospital), proved extremely fruitful.

it was a spring evening & the brothers were locked out downstairs. poor, clueless guys. the black-light was on & the borrowed hot pink teddy (yeah, i said teddy & borrowed in the same phrase) was steaming. i can't believe i'm going to admit this but i also had on a blue bandana tied to my head MTV-style. i thought i was so hot (& was). rah! anyway, henry was over & rarin' to go after my lil' surprise. i knew he was hot & WAY bothered & i loved that power. but instead of letting the attack proceed, i asked him first, in my sweetest of sweets, to paint my toe nails in anticipation. for real. and he did. for the love of god - that was fun. how i miss those days!

ok, so back to my girl Bandit. yup, as you guessed it, she was witness to this entire rendevouz. and if you think that's strange, just ask Auttie what she has borne witness too. i don't know how & i don't know why, but she was in my childhood bedroom as i seduced my soccer boyfriend with my brothers downstairs & my ma on her way home. after our roll in the hay, a certain protective device was casually thrown to the floor (am i not the poster child for safe sex or what?!). there was cuddling & talk of the hot lunch menu the following day & then an 'oh shit' when the condom was nowhere to be found for disposal. with a mad, naked search under mattresses & bed & sheets & pillows, i shooed mr. henry out the door before my poor mother returned. and then i forgot about it.

fast forward a couple, several, three, five, seven days. fast forward to my dad... the dad i begged my ma not to tell after i asked her to put me on the pill. the dad that lectured me in his room later about respecting myself but if necessary, letting me know i should weigh the pros & cons of hormonal vs. non-hormonal protection. the same dad who confronted me when Planned Parenthood anonymously called for me but wouldn't identify themselves when it was time to pick up 'said' birth control. yeah, that smart dad. dad, dad, dad. my dad approached me in the doorway of the dining room shortly after that black-light, hot-pink booty call. that day & conversation are so vivid. it was a weekend & my brothers were watching TV (though i have no idea where my ma was). and my dad proceeds to inform me, quite calmly, that our beloved pet Bandit had a 'procalactive' (spelling?) in her dog poop that day.

rewind. that's where the condom went. rewind. i told dad i wouldn't have premarital sex... that i respected myself too much. rewind, henry is not supposed to come over when my parents aren't home. rewind, both of my brothers are still virgins. with doe eyes, i looked at my knowing father & say, 'i'm so glad Bandit didn't choke. i have no idea how she got a hold of that.' my dad. he just nodded & muttered, 'i'll go ask your brothers'. heaven forbid! always been daddy's little girl...

afterward: henry followed me to UW. and i was naive enough to believe we'd make it. but i started freshman year one semester ahead of him & knew i was a goner to the wiles of college boys. oh, & it also was right around that time i was informed about his blow job from stacy. so c'est la vie! my dad never breathed word of this situation again & my brothas were never interoggated. he had to have known & someday i'll have to ask him.

by the way, in reference to the accompanying photo, i'm the tiger.